See Here for Part 2
Here, our story takes a short turn, where we will introduce
7 individuals: the Vertically-Challenged.
Nice
politically-correct title, Ben.
Why, thanks Josh.
Certainly. Do proceed.
Now the seven Vertically-Challenged had not always been as
they were. You see, dear reader, they had been very early in life exposed to a
dangerous poison that destroyed one’s ability to grow. While the curse had been
brought on by the best intentions, their father had no idea of the potency of
coffee.
And so it was, that after 34 years of consuming the
beverage, the potion began to work its magic, and, beginning with Zacchaeus,
the fifth oldest, the men became, as they are to this day, Vertically
Challenged.
Now, despite their short stature, they set out to make a
name for themselves and quickly took to the art of hunting. Now, it is often
thought that dwarves are miners, and, while they often are, these particular
Vertically Challenged spent much of their time in a cave not for the purpose of
obtaining precious metals and gems, but to hunt for a particular wolf that they
had seen seek refuge in the cave; Rumplestiltskin, the second oldest, had first
discovered the beast, and, as the animal of that species tend to be villainous
in nature, the brothers set out to capture the animal for safe and humane
delivery to the Wildlife Refuge. Now unbeknownst to them, this wolf was, in
fact, an enchanted Prince Frederick, who knew of a secret exit out the back;
however, after digging for years through the cave, the Vertically Challenged
had yet to uncover the passage, and so they often returned to the mine in
search of him.
Now these seven brothers had all obtained employment from a
most benevolent stepmother in a dark, evil castle. Now, only Dorky, the
youngest, had gone in for the interview, and the Human Resources manager
incorrectly assumed that only one person was interviewing for the position. And
so it was that each brother worked one day a week at the castle. This proved
most practical since, due to the insufficient lighting that was apparently
“required” in an evil castle, none of the other employees could tell the
difference between the brothers. And so it was assumed that the queen had a
“huntsman” as opposed to “seven brother huntsmen”.
The outcast of the family, however, was Jack, the oldest.
Rather than taking down beasts, Jack preferred to take down trees. As this
obsession proved quite noisy, his brothers often shunned him, leaving him alone
whilst they went hunting in relative quiet, leaving poor Jack often on his own.
Our story begins when the benevolent queen summoned her
huntsman to an audience on a matter of great import. As it was Wednesday,
Yakovarol, the sixth oldest, brushed off his tunic, picked the mashed potatoes
out of his beard, and strode bravely into the throne room.
